I wanted to die

Can you hold a space for me to be real with you?

This is the rawest email I have ever written, so I want to thank you in advance for holding a space for me to share a moment in time of my inner world.

*deep breath*

My heart dances inside my chest as I sit cross-legged on the rocky edge of the cliff. I am alone, shivering, the cold dawn wind cutting my face. The night sky begins to break as the morning light peaks over the horizon. A few eager walkers are about, their shadows stroll by, but I hide behind some shrub out of sight.

I can imagine the waves roiling against the rocks far below, but I can’t see or even hear them. It’s a long way down. Here I am, quite literally, at the edge of a cliff, feeling my life is on a knife’s edge.

Maybe I should tie my ankles together with a rope and attach a brick – something heavy to weigh me down, sink me, so I am never found. I’m already weighed down, sunk in the heavy thoughts swirling in my head, drowning in my emotions, feeling all the painful experiences I had shut down and locked away. My emotions festered in the dark and silence, nameless and unknown, waiting to implode or maybe explode.

Only a few hours earlier I woke up, startled, after only an hour’s sleep. I felt a heaviness that I hadn’t felt in years. Black storm clouds hung over me. Wave of raw emotion came flooding over me the moment I tried to process how I was feeling. A flash of an insight, then pounded with another wave.

This is how we evolve: we arrive at a new level of understanding and then we get new shit to work on: the next emotional charge, the next challenge, the next piece of chaos. The cycle never ends. It’s like there is a deeper problem that the process is not addressing, and I don’t know what it is.

Thoughts continue to rumble in my head, louder and louder, becoming stronger and stronger. How can I be so stuck, considering I’m a counsellor? I help others get unstuck and yet I can’t unstick myself? I can’t fix the crap in my life on my own but the thought of asking for help doesn’t even cross my mind. I feel totally overwhelmed and out of my depth. I’m drowning in my inner world.

I couldn’t take it anymore so I began driving slowly in the still of the night. There is something very serene about driving at night. There is a calmness, a peace that isn’t found during the hustle and bustle of daylight. It was like I was in the eye of the storm.

My car parked against the curb, unlocked and the windows rolled down. I walked away from my car for the last time toward the high fence. There are warning signs all the way along it declaring: “Dangerous Cliffs”. I climbed the fence and now here I am, on the wrong side, with an uninterrupted view for my last sunrise here on earth. Staring out at the vast ocean, the night rain has pooled into the crevasse in the rocks below, reflecting the dawn sky. The sun started to peek above the horizon, a beautiful luminous gold ball glowing with warmth.

“Tanya, just watch the sunrise then jump. It will all be over soon.” I whisper to myself.

I flip my phone around to photograph myself. Not the ideal selfie you’d want to post on Instagram. There’s no make-up or glamour. Nor is there a desire to take twenty more shots to get just the right one.

I look at the picture and I don’t recognise myself. My eyes are dark, like a storm has rolled in. The whites of my eyes are fiery red. There are bags under my eyes from almost no sleep over the past few days. I look drained of life, lifeless.

Weeks ago I was faced with an irreversibly, life-changing fork in the road. My decision went against everything I believed in, what I was dreaming of, and what I had gone through so much for. All for somebody else. I didn’t listen to myself. Hell, I couldn’t even hear myself. I couldn’t even feel myself or sense what I might have wanted. I was so clouded by confusion that someone else’s certainty ruled my life.

That decision triggered a heap of repressed emotions to cascade down on me like a ton of bricks. Now, I find myself here, nursing immense pain and an overwhelming sense of nothing……

Lost.

Lifeless.

“You’re nothing, Tanya. You’re taking up too much space just breathing.”

Tears flow like a river down my face. There seems to be no off button for them or my thoughts. They just keep rolling in. The sun begins to burst over the horizon. Everything I know is out the window. I didn’t have any other answer but to stand on the cliff’s edge. And jump.

*exhale*

Yes, this was me at one point of my life.

You’d think it was pre knowing “the work” but it might shock you to say it was in 2015.

I’d gone through some huge life challenges and I felt that I had lost my power and my purpose. I felt very alone. I didn’t see a point in life. And didn’t want to be here.

Fast forward to now, I’m here, and grateful to a small handful of people who wrapped me up and helped put me back together again.

As part of the transformation, I walked 1000km through Spain. It was a soulful journey walking and talking with people about life, love and the meaning of our existence.

It was what helped me come back into the world to feel more connected, aligned, integrated than ever before and I am incredibly grateful for that time.

It inspired me to create a Walkshop where you get a deep transformation, where I can take care of you, guide you through your own lessons in life to awaken a deeper power and purpose within you.

One of my favorite lessons you’ll learn is that the universe is inside you. You’ll sit and watch the sunrise and own what you admire and despise about the universe and awaken it within you. When you have the humbleness to divinity, you create certainty in humanity (and the impact you want to make in the world).

Gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.

You don’t have to have your life falling apart to join this group, just an internal voice knowing you want to do more with your life than you currently are right now. Maybe you have your own healing of your body, your intimate relationship, your career and would love more power and purpose.

My promise to you is that you’ll have 5 days of tears, goosebumps, insights and deeply profound transformation.

So if you have an intuition to come to the Walkshop, you can check out the details here.

We can walk, talk and transform together.

With love and light,

Leadership Coach & Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator
BAppSoSc (Counselling)
Maximum Growth One on one & group coaching available
Helping leaders to level up using a transformational mindset work.

P.S. Thank you for holding the space for me to share a dark time of my life. Please reach out if you ever feel this way, and I will help hold the light for you.