It starts so subtly that you barely notice it.
A small nod of agreement when you want to say no.
A quick “it’s fine” when something doesn’t align with you.
Over time, this way of being becomes ingrained. It feels like it’s who you are.
People-pleasing isn’t just a behaviour; it’s a way of navigating the world.
It can become an almost unconscious need to create harmony, to avoid conflict, or to feel valued.
But where does this need come from, and why does it feel so automatic?
At its core, people-pleasing often stems from the dynamics of early relationships.
As children, we are highly attuned to the emotional cues of those around us.
A warm smile for compliance or a cold shoulder for defiance teaches us, little by little, how to adapt.
Over time, these adaptations become strategies, ways to maintain connections, to feel safe, and to ensure acceptance.
But what happens when those strategies start impacting your life?
You notice you are agreeing to commitments we don’t have time for.
You say yes when you mean no.
Silencing our true feelings to keep the peace.
Or bending over backward to meet expectations, even at the expense of our own needs.
It can feel rewarding at the moment, a fleeting sense of approval, a momentary relief from tension.
But the cost is often a quiet erosion of self.
This pattern thrives on subtle reinforcement.
A compliment for being “so easygoing.”
Praise for being “reliable.”
These words can feel like validation, yet they also tether us further to the label of the one who says yes, the one who never complains, the one who makes it all okay.
And yet, internally, there’s often a sense of exhaustion, frustration, or even resentment.
The more we give away parts of ourselves, the more distant we can feel from our true selves.
It’s a cycle that can leave you wanting to reclaim your identity.
People-pleasing isn’t a flaw; it’s a response, one that was likely learned for a reason.
And life is more about unlearning and relearning.
Tanya Cross
Leadership Coach & The Coaches Coach
Master Certified Demartini Method Facilitator
BAppSoSc (Counselling)
