Speaking up has been one of my biggest obstacles.
When someone pointed out to me that I had a fear of conflict,
It made total sense.
I grew up watching my Dad say nothing.
No hard convos.
No holding his boundaries.
Not sharing his needs.
Not saying how he felt.
Not even standing up to my Mum when she was being unreasonable.
He was just silent.
He didn’t use his voice.
So I had a model of relationships as a man, where your voice wasn’t used.
Where you Suffered silently for peace,
While the conflict raged on,
And so,
Internally, I had a lot of self-judgement,
Internalising what I wanted to say,
Making my feelings and thoughts wrong,
My needs and wants are left unmet..
All the while, my inner voice screamed at me to SPEAK!
But my lips remained closed.
And so I went on a journey.
Whenever I don’t speak,
I kept a diary on it and explored my inner world,
I looked at what I was resistant to or scared of.
And whatever judgements I made about myself when I didn’t speak…
Then I methodically cleared what was in the way…
Then, I had to figure it out.
How to have the ‘hard and uncomfortable conversations”… In an effective way.
So here are my top lessons and the strategies I have learnt for navigating and exploring this part of the relationship. Please use what I have learnt, test it and use it yourself.
This is what I learnt not to do.
- Leveraging built-up anger to speak up. It starts a war.
- Speaking up reactively. You look irrational and like a fool.
- Waiting until you feel completely calm about it, rationalising why you don’t need to say anything. This is choosing to have the same frustration repeat itself again.
- Confuse your inner judgements of the meaning of their actions and words.
- Let your fears and infatuations manipulate you out of your truth.
- Ambushing people because you are ready to talk about it, without them having any idea about it.
- Lead with statements of accusation.
And this is what I have learnt to do.
- Always frame the other person, to yourself, as having your best interest at heart. Otherwise, you come into the conversation with the wrong energy.
- Say ”I feel”, not “You make me feel”.
- Be clear about your intentions, and share it with them.
- Be clear about the outcome you want and share it with them.
- Stop and come back to the conversation if either person needs to. Come straight back to the convo once settled.
- I take the time to consider the consequences and drawbacks of not having a conversation. If this doesn’t create activation energy faster than a cheetah who just saw its first meal in a week, then I know it’s not important enough.
- Suppose I am not thinking about it 24 hours later. Reassess its importance.
And here is the big one for me…
How I overcome my resistance to conversation
I ask myself what I am fearful of facing by having a conversation. I then write it out or go through it in my head. I know when I have nailed it, as the feeling in my body calms. It dissipates as I pinpoint it. I then use this as a frame to start the conversation, for myself. This makes me feel safe to share.
- If fear still creates resistance, I apply the Demartini Method to it.
- I take the time to consider the consequences and drawbacks of not having a conversation. If this doesn’t create activation energy faster than a cheetah who just saw its first meal in a week, then I know it’s not important enough.
- I decide what outcome I want from the challenging conversation and frame it at the start. This sets the intention for me and gives directions to them on how to respond.
- If it’s a new topic with different people, I visualise the conversation and different possible outcomes.
- I set a time to chat.
If there is anything I would like for you to do this week..
It is to take away one point out of this week’s email and apply it to the next Hard Conversation you have.
Or
If you were like I was.
And totally avoidant of them.
Apply it all and have the hard conversation you have been avoiding.
And I would love to hear how you go.
Until next week,
Keep Smashing Growth Ceilings
